6 Things I’ve Learned in 6 Months of Marriage

Don’t laugh. Six months is a long time! Since Jeremy and I have obviously learned all the secrets of marriage since January 18th of this year, I thought I’d let you in on our discovery. (Please note this is spoken with the utmost humility as we are fully aware we have only made it 1/100th of the way through our marriage journey!)

1. Men are not women. Why was this not more obvious from the beginning? I’m really not sure, but to spare anyone else the struggle, I’ve learned if I want to talk for hours about the same topic, look around in Target in the house decor section, analyze a situation, shop for dresses, or a number of other things – I need my girlfriends. God made us different on purpose. And it’s something to be excited about, not sad. Tim and Kathy Keller talk about this here! Great read.
2. My joy comes from God, not my husband. I don’t ever believe I was that girl who assumed all of my problems would disappear after marriage, but I was disillusioned in believing that since I now had a built-in teammate, friend, and partner who was always there, I would have supernatural happiness at all times. Well, you know that “always there” part? That takes some adjustment. I have learned to be intentional with some of the routines I kept as a single woman. For example, I keep my mornings the same regardless of what else is going on: coffee, Bible, and workout in some sort of order. My husband does not complete me. We are two complete and whole people in Christ who compliment and help to show off God’s best in each other.
3.  Never underestimate the power of personal influence on your spouse. Whether it be with words or actions, things as simple as eating and workout habits, you have a God-given place of influence in the life of your husband or wife. How you use this influence is up to you each and every day. Honestly, I have daily choices to make that can and will affect my husband. Will I choose to see and acknowledge he has made the bed and done the laundry or will I choose to see and acknowledge that he hasn’t touched the overflowing dishwasher today? Will I stop to listen to his law enforcement story from years back or will I continue to check my texts and Facebook from that day? Will I choose to hold a grudge for him hurting my feelings with a seemingly insignificant comment or forgive him so we can enjoy our anniversary dinner? I have found that we think these things are small, but over time, they tend to have a compound affect on our relationship with our spouse. If he or she knows that you always stop to listen, how much more willing will they be to share about their day? If you always appreciate their work around the house, how much more frequently will they want to serve your family in other ways?
4. Take a deep breath. You’re continuing to grow together. I tend to jump to conclusions about situations way too quickly. “Oh my gosh. He left his shoes at the front door. This means every day for the rest of our lives, I’m going to have to pick up his shoes.” … And then I feel this whisper in my heart, “well, Kristina, that may not be entirely true. How about thinking a more rational thought like, ‘Wow, he must have been in a rush this afternoon when he got in! I wonder how his day went.'”  Instead of making an assumption or allowing fear to play out in my thoughts, I’ve chosen to a) believe the best in him and b) ask more questions to get to know him. I don’t think this continued pursuit of your spouse stops just because you might have more anniversaries under your belt. Asking clarifying questions before making accusatory statements tends to encourage conversation instead of conflict.
5. Play with nerf guns. Marriage is FUN! Have some of it once in awhile…or always! After a visit with my stepson Jeremiah, we realized he left his nerf guns out in his bedroom. As Jeremy began picking them up, he “accidentally” shot me in the stomach. War was declared in the Rivera household and we ran from room to room for at least half an hour, laughing and keeping track of our shot counts like 8 year olds! And can I help you out? This doesn’t happen every day. We can’t always expect the fun to come out on it’s own. Sometimes it takes some intentionality like planning trips to mini golf or the trampoline park or a local winery to play corn hole. Totally necessary and totally worth it!
6. Get some mentors. Find a couple (or multiple couples) who are modeling marriage well, and hang out with them. A few couples can be peers, but seek out those who have been doing the whole married thing longer than you. Jeremy and I have selected some folks who are newlyweds like us, have been married for 5 years, 15 years, and 30+ years… some have kids, some do not. Not only is it great to have people to share life with, it’s reassuring that we’re normal. I mean, not everyone instantly agrees on how to load the dishwasher. AND IT’S OKAY. You can still keep going without fearing the end is near!

*For you men who are reading: My husband’s male perspective fully supports this post and it’s contents.

Feel free to comment below and add your own “secrets” from the many more years of experience you may have! The best is yet to come!