It’s either true or false. It’s yes or no. It’s inside the lines or outside the lines. It’s left or right. It’s black or white…or is it? Could it be true AND false, yes AND no, inside AND outside, left and then right? Could it be grey and not black OR white?
Over the last two years, I’ve made some transitions that have made me question my typically very clearcut decision making process, my “yes or no” mentality. Back in 2013, I started a Graduate Program in Psychiatric Nursing. I was positive this was the next “life step” for me. Less than a month in, I realized my passion was not in what I was learning. I even began questioning my lifelong calling to be a nurse. It was all very grey. At the same time I was questioning my purpose, I was asked to consider joining my church as a full-time Staff Member. I thought and prayed and made the leap. Within two days, I had withdrawn from Graduate School and started working at my church. I was all in! I thought to myself, “I wasn’t content pursuing higher education and I wasn’t positive about continuing my career in nursing so TA-DA! I am obviously meant to be in ministry. This is my sign.” So, from that point forward, I threw myself into learning everything I could about the Bible, reading book after book on leadership strategies, soaking up and gleaning from every superior that I had access.
My church role shifted around quite a bit from one ministry to the next and about a year in, I realized I was feeling similarly “grey” to the way I felt while in Grad School – some may call it unsettled or discontent or antsy or even unhappy. I’m going to call it “different.” And boy, was I ANGRY. I began telling myself, “Get it together! You released your career as a nurse and an opportunity for Graduate School to be here! You heard from God that this is where He wants you. Put your big girl panties on and suck it up!”
Let’s just say… that wasn’t working. Then, instead of giving myself a pep talk, I asked God what He thought about my anger and my feeling “different.” He said, “You hear me well. I said yes to this ministry for a time, not for your lifetime. And now I’m saying no. have a new mission for your next chapter.”
My first reaction was, “WHAT?! All this investment and you only meant for me to be here for a year and a half? I would have read half as many books!” My second reaction was, “Wow. God loves me enough to give me multiple chapters of life, each with a new adventure!” (*If you know me, you’ll know I LOVE a good adventure…with an itinerary of course. #typeA)
I realized a couple significant things in that moment:
So I get to choose (and you do too!). Will I go all in when He says “yes” regardless of whether it’s a “no” later down the road? Will I be angry or anxious about a new transition that looks and feels very “grey?” Will I embrace what God had me learn from the previous chapter and echo His big, fat resounding “YES” to the next mission He has for me?
I’m excited to share about this new chapter and mission as He unveils it! Love you all!
Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” Isaiah 30:21