As I sit here about to jump headfirst into a new job, I’ve taken a few moments to reflect on the summer. Just four months ago, I was working in full time ministry on staff at a church. Slowly, I began to feel this little nudge telling me that I was about to open a new chapter of my life and vocationally, I was being called back into the world of nursing. (*I have a nursing degree. Five years into nursing, I felt like I was supposed to lay it down to pick up a church staff position.) Now though, as I prayed, I felt Him saying to put in my resignation and return to my nursing ministry.
That was a scary moment. I didn’t have a job lined up, but I knew in my heart that this was my next step. It’s kind of like when you jump over a big ditch that is slightly larger than the “wingspan” of your legs and you can’t wait to feel that other side to know you made it… except I wasn’t on the other side quite yet. There was a job I prayed about that allowed me to work with wounded warriors again that made my heart come alive, but it wasn’t open for applicants. So there I hovered in the air, waiting to make it to the other side of the ditch.
That left me with some free time. Being the Type A person that I am, I began planning all the things I would do with the couple months of “summer vacation” I would enjoy to include sleeping in, laying by the pool, trying lots of new cookie recipes, reading lots of new books, and writing tons of blog posts. The one thing I forgot was to invite God into those plans.
My last day working at the church was May 31st. With some leftover vacation, I finished up a bit early intentionally because my stepson Jeremiah and stepdaughter Lilly were spending time with us. So there I was: On my first week of “summer vacation,” knee deep in EARLY wake-ups, playground trips, apple slice cutting, and diaper changes. (Please note above: This was not exactly in my original plan.) Can I be honest? I was having an expectation gap. You know, when you expect one thing and get something TOTALLY different? That moment when what you had your heart set on and felt you needed wasn’t what God felt you needed? When what you had scheduled in your planner wasn’t playing out? When the dreams in your heart felt far away from the reality in front of you?
Instead of relaxing, I felt like I was on (unpaid) maternity leave. Now, please allow me this disclaimer with such a bold statement. I am in no way taking away from the unique challenge of a newborn(s) during the widely recognized use of the term maternity leave. I am simply drawing an analogy of what I believe those weeks are used for post-birth and what I was doing. I was bonding with new children. I was learning what life was like with two incredible additions to our family. I was figuring out how to balance a husband and family and friends… All of which couldn’t be farther away from my anticipated plans.
I had a choice to make. I could embrace God’s positioning or fight for my pre-designed summer schedule. I could submit to the Lord’s plan or I could flail around trying desperately to make my own ideas work. I could enjoy the moments getting to invest in the life of my new children or cry on my bed trying to figure out how I got to this place.
And we all have those moments. They don’t all look like what I have come to call “stepmommy maternity leave,” but we all have expectation gaps. “I thought I would be married and I’m still single. I thought I would have _____ degree by now and I don’t. I thought I would have seen more of the world by now, but I haven’t. I thought I would have a quiver of children by now, but I don’t. I thought my husband would do _____ more, but he doesn’t. I thought my house would have a kitchen island and it doesn’t.” I don’t know what your gap looks like, but I know our options are the same: embrace our moment or flounder around and miss out on the blessings all around us.
And here’s what helped me: It’s not a one-time choice and you’re done. It’s a daily, moment-by-moment surrender to fully submit to God’s plan and not my own. It’s not that you can’t do it. It’s that we have to KEEP doing it. Boy, am I thankful that even though it is hard at times, I choose joy and to count the special times we have had with our new little family this summer. I wouldn’t have wanted to miss hearing Lilly say “bless chouuuu” after my sneeze for the first time after coaching her for two months straight or “amen” after our many daily prayers. I wouldn’t have wanted to miss seeing how my husband loves on these two beautiful kids. I wouldn’t have wanted to miss the feeling of my mommy instincts coming alive for the very first time. And I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to miss the fullness I have in my heart to be part of such a gorgeous family.
I don’t know if you share in my challenge of expectation gaps, but if you do, I would encourage you to choose joy, to have eyes open to see your blessings, and to live in that moment of making a lifelong memory.
(The rest of the story: That dream nursing job opened up… and guess who got it?! God is faithful. All the time.)