Earlier this summer, I read a blog post entitled “The Rules For Visiting A New Mom.” I was innocently scrolling through my Newsfeed and I couldn’t resist opening it. I mean, I haven’t popped out my own children, so how would I understand the pain/sleep deprivation/breastfeeding challenges, etc? And if I even began to understand those issues, I certainly wouldn’t know where (or how) to start helping in a practical way.
That’s when I started thinking. About seven months ago, I became a stepmom or #instamommy as I have endearingly been referring to myself. Although I had some dating and engagement time to ponder what the future would look like, I am not sure there is anything that can be done to adequately prepare you for the life change that comes with getting additional blessings along with your husband after matrimony.
So, I thought since I was equally as clueless about how to support the mom of a newborn, why not help those people who may feel similarly about a friend, co-worker, or family member who just stepped into the role of stepmom? Here are a couple things I’ve found to be especially helpful:
1) Give her space. Think about it. When a mother has a newborn, they get maternity leave – anywhere from 4-6 weeks to 18 weeks (Go U.S. Navy!). That time is typically used to recover from the birthing process, bond, learn to care for the new munchkin, and figure out what this new chapter looks like for the entire family. In the same way, stepmothers undergo almost identical challenges without the carved out time to adjust. Now, I am not trying to advocate for stepmom maternity leave (although I would not say “no” to it!). However, sometimes dependent on the custody situation, stepmothers absolutely need a time to transition into their new role, bond with their child, and learn to care for their unique physical and emotional needs. So, when your loved one makes this leap into parenthood, give her some time to adjust…
2) Give her your support. I’m sure you’re confused and asking, “How do I give her space AND support?” Here’s how. Text her, “I love you! I know you’re being the best stepmom ever!” instead of “Hey, haven’t heard from you in awhile. How’s it going?” Here’s why: a) She probably already feels overwhelmed with the transition. You’re adding stress to text back, not helping the current situation. b) The “guilt trip texts” are annoying. Always. No matter what the season. c) You’re affirming her role in the child’s life!
Another way of navigating the “space to support” grey area is to ask, while affirming the challenge of her transition. “Hey, just wanted to check in. I know you probably need some time to get used to everything, but I’d love to have you over or get coffee. Is this a good week or should we hold off?” This type of communication works miracles. Here’s why: a) It acknowledges what she’s already thinking and feeling (that she secretly didn’t believe anyone knew about). b) You are showing your support and your love for her. c) It gives her the opportunity to say, “Nope, this week I’m having a meltdown and can’t manage anything else” or “I would LOVE that! I need a good girlfriend conversation.”
3) Affirm her purpose and her role. I would say the most difficult part of being a #instamommy or stepmommy is learning where you fit in the big picture of the family and even the realization of being a mom. There’s something about pregnancy, the birthing process, or even an adoption process that I’m hoping must make you feel more like a mother. For me, it took awhile to get there, but one of the most helpful steps came when a friend texted me, “You are such a good stepmom!” For whatever reason, it hit me then. I knew in theory I had earned a couple titles on my wedding day, but coming into the fullness of those new roles is a process. Affirmation helps that process along!
And I cannot stress this enough. If this loved one of yours married a man with children, SHE HAS A PURPOSE IN THAT CHILD’S LIFE (or children’s lives!). The world wants to tell her she’s “extra” or “unneeded” or “unimportant.” I am here to tell you that your role in supporting a new stepmom is to speak words of encouragement and life over her. She has an intentional place in that child’s life. She has an important role to play. She is needed no matter what special family dynamics are going on all around her. She needs to know that you believe in her through the court hearings, the custody (dis)agreements, the emotional ups and downs, and every moment in between.
4. Ask about the kids. When I first got married, everyone was asking about my wedded bliss. Well, it was exactly that! Blissful in every way. Being married to my husband was easy. Being a stepmommy? Well, now that took some adjustment. If you’re a loved one or even if you’re not, if you know someone who got married and is a new stepmom, ask about the kids. Here’s why: a) It affirms her role. Hmmm, I think I read that a few other times… b) It acknowledges a situation some people tend to skirt around because it can make them feel uncomfortable. c) She probably wants to talk about them and show you one million photos because they’re a big part of her life now!
In closing, I want to leave this caveat: Blended families require you to take the mold off of “typical” and “normal” and all those other “fit in this box” family words. We all look different. We all have unique struggles and challenges. And we all get to experience our own special blessings because of it all.
I would love to hear if you felt this was helpful! Be sure to share this with those special stepmommies out there or even to those you think who might benefit from reading along.